Eternal Circle
by HazelAngel77
Summary: The Cullens have returned to Forks after one hundred years, but tragedy strikes when a snap decision.
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own any of them, S. Meyers does. I only borrowed them.**

**The story alternates between Renesmee's POV and Edward's POV.**

**R & R ... reviews feed my writing monster.**

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EPOV~

If someone had told me that after a hundred years, I would loss my wife, that my daughter would run away and later change; I would have killed him or her. Before my daughter was born, Bella was my reason for life, what I lived for. If something had happened to her, I would have found a way end my life. Then my daughter was conceived on our honeymoon and everything changed. Now, there were two reasons to live for.

However, sometimes fate puts those we love the most to the test. While the pain of lose may fade as time goes by, I will never forget that day six months ago. The story broke at 8:35 pm on Friday, July 20. Bella was in Chicago doing some last minute shopping for her and our daughter. In two months, we would be celebrating our one hundredth anniversary.

Emmett and Jasper were watching a football game. Carlisle, Esme and Rosalie were out hunting. My daughter was at the piano working on a piece for Carlisle's birthday. Alice was sitting on the couch while I sat on bench next to my daughter.

Her fingers gracefully flowed over the keys as she worked the bridge into the piece. She smiled as it began to come together. She looked over at me. _"Do you think Carlisle will like it?" _she thought.

I put my arm around her shoulders, hugging her. "He'll love it." As I listened, I heard eight small songs as she created transitions for each to flow into the next. "I hear Esme's song and your mother's lullaby, but what are the others?"

My daughter simply smiled. "Don't you hear it?" she replied as she began the piece from the beginning.

The first movement was melancholy turning into something that personified loneliness which slowly turned loving and the next one was devoted and cherishing. As each movement passed, I realized each one was about us, in the order that we came into the Cullen family. I was the first one that Carlisle changed, then Esme, next was Rosalie, after her was Emmett, Alice and Jasper came next, then Bella and last nor least our daughter, Renesmee.

Alice had come over to the piano, completely mesmerized. I got up and stood behind Renesmee. I placed my hands on her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. "That is beautiful, sweetheart."

"Thanks dad."

I listened to her finish the piece up with a movement that was compassionate and affectionate. That one was about Carlisle himself. My thoughts went back to Bella. _"Bella will be home in six hours," _I thought. Then Alice saw it. An inferno crashed ten miles outside of Denver. I looked over at Alice, shock and confusion painting her pixie-like features. The image flashed in my mind.

"_Edward, what was Bella's flight number?" _

"_It was 7354, why do you ask?" _I replied confused about the image that played in my head. _"That flight number is 1857. I don't understand, Alice." _She simply shook her head. Then we heard the news anchor on the TV. My daughter immediately stopped when she was my expression.

"Dad, what's wrong?" she asked.

The anchor was speaking to a report that was at the scene of the crash. In the background, you could see the plane engulfed in flames as fire crew made a desperate attempt to keep it under control. "Details are sketchy," the reporter said. "At the moment, we do know that there were 396 passengers on American Airlines flight 1857 from Chicago, Illinois to Seattle, Washington."

I looked over at Alice. "What does this have to do with Bella, Alice?"

She shook her head confused. "I don't know, Edward."

The reporters talked back and forth for another fifteen minutes. None of us heard the rest of the news. We were still trying to comprehend what we just heard. My daughter reached into her pocket and pulled out her cell phone. I knew she was going to call Carlisle. She looked at her cell phone.

Her hand came up and covered her mouth. _"Mom text me three hours ago, It was on vibrate." _I looked at her. She dialed the phone and waited for Carlisle to pick up. She heard him answer. "Carlisle, you guys need to come home," she said. "I think it's better explained when you guys get here." She shut her phone and looked at me. "They'll be here in fifteen minutes."

By the time Carlisle, Esme and Rosalie got back; Alice and I were confused about what she had seen. We knew that Bella was taking the flight that left at nine o'clock. Alice explained what she saw. Esme and Rosalie were just as confused as we were. _"There was no way this could be about Bella, unless …"_ my thoughts stopped as I noticed Renesmee's expression. I had already heard her thoughts as she opened her cell phone. _"Unless she took an earlier flight …"_

The phone rang, breaking the silence. Carlisle answered it. "Yes, this is Carlisle Cullen …" His hand came up to cover his face. "Yes, Bella Cullen is my daughter … No, we weren't aware that she had done that." The conversation went on for twenty minutes. "We'll be home …" his voice cracked. "Yes, thank you, we'll start making the arrangements." He paced the handset back on the cradle.

He turned around and looked at all of us. The only time I had seen that fearful expression on Carlisle's face was the day at the ballet studio. "That was the airline," he said. "They said that Bella had made a last minute change and took an earlier flight."

"Why didn't she call and let us know?" Rosalie asked.

Alice and I looked at one another, now the vision made sense. It slowly began to sink in to everyone what had happened. The flight that had crashed outside of Denver was the earlier flight that Bella took.

Carlisle shook his head. No one noticed my daughter glance down at her phone. _"She called me three hours ago, when she changed her flight. I had my phone on vibrate. This is my fault. I killed my mother."_

My head snapped up as soon as I heard what she was thinking. Her eyes met mine. She dropped the phone and began to back away from me. I tried to reach her before she bolted. "Renesmee, this isn't your fault." She continued to back away from us.

The silence was broken as Esme sank down to the floor in tearless sobs. Carlisle knelt down and gathered her in his arms as she cried for the loss of her daughter. Jasper, Alice, Emmett and Rosalie realized that their baby sister was not going to walk through the door again.

Renesmee looked at everyone as if she were lost. "What have I done?" She turned and ran out the backdoor, glass shattering as the door hit the wall.

Alice looked at me as I picked up the cell phone and opened up the text message from Bella.

_~Nessie, I wanted to surprise you all, so I am taking an earlier flight. It leaves at five o'clock. The number is 1857. It is a non-stop to Seattle. I should be home by eleven. I love you. ~_

"Renesmee thinks that it was her fault." I choked out, trying not to break.

"What do you mean?" Emmett questioned his grief apparent.

"Bella," I began to reply, my voice cracking. "Bella sent a text to Renesmee about the flight change. Her phone was on vibrate."

"When did she send it?" Jasper asked, not wanting to force calm on anyone.

I looked at the time. "5:30 pm, Bella would have already been in the air."

I felt Esme place a hand on my shoulder. "Edward, you have to find her. Renesmee will need you now, more than ever. She is so much like you. She'll be so lost without you."

I nodded, as I understood what she meant. I could not fall apart right now and run as I did when I thought Bella was dead. I would grieve later, in private. I ran out to the backyard, inhaling deeply. It was easy to catch Renesmee's scent, since it was a combination of mine and Bella's human scent before she was changed. As I followed her scent, I realized where she headed … the meadow.

Ten minutes later, I paused at the clearing, listening to my daughter's cries. The sound ripped at me. I heard it come from above me. Then I felt it, a teardrop on my forearm. I looked up in the giant cedar that was behind me. About twenty feet up, one the second set of branches, was Renesmee. She sat with her knees drawn up against her chest, her arms wrapped around her head. I heard her inhale sharply as she became aware of my presence. I jumped up to the first set of branches just below her.

It was like looking into a mirror with Renesmee as I repeated something that Bella had told me often when things went wrong. "It's not your fault, Nessie."

"If I had been paying attention …" she began to sob.

I pulled myself up and sat next to her. I wrapped my arms around her as she clung to me. "Ah, Nessie there was no way you could have known. Your mother's flight left at five o'clock. She sent you that message at five-thirty. Even if you would have told us, the plane was already in the air."

Renesmee pulled away and jumped out of the tree. She landed on the ground without a sound. I followed her. Her thoughts were silent. It was the first time it had happened. My daughter was shutting me out. I saw her posture change as low growl came from her. I knew this was coming. Alice had silently warned me before I left the house.

She turned around, anger and grief marring her beautiful face. "She wasn't supposed to die! She was supposed to stay with you forever!" Renesmee snarled. "She was supposed to stay with us forever!"

I saw her crouch as she turned away to run deeper into the forest. Before she could run, I had my arms around her from behind. I would not let her react as I had. Grief and instinct rode the same roller coaster as Renesmee struggled to free herself. Her mind screamed her grief as the images of the last hour ripped through my head… I felt pain shoot through my arm as her teeth cut into my skin, her self-preservation kicking in. Ignoring the pain, I bent my head down so my cheek was against the side of her head.

"_Renesmee, it's me, your father. No one is hurting you."_

As my thoughts began to cut through the screaming in her head, she realized she had bitten my arm. It startled her and she immediately stilled. Then a high-pitched sob that caused me flinch came from her. "Daddy …"

We sat there until the starry night sky gave way to the morning pink gray. Renesmee had cried her self to sleep as I rocked her, comforting her. I spent the night remembering everything from the first day in biology to now. My daughter seemed to sense it and placed her hand against my neck, adding her memories to mine. I smiled as her favorite memory appeared.

It was her tenth birthday and Renesmee looked like any typical eighteen years old. I will never forget that day. Our daughter stopped aging that day. Renesmee had finally acquired the taste for animal blood instead of the donated blood we kept in the house. She had become very skilled as she hunted. She had had a few mountain lions, but either Bella or I would kill those. Neither of us wanted to test her body's resilience; however, as she got older, we thought better of it, giving her free reign when she hunted. Then we went on a special hunting trip down in South America. We had spent the previous day on Isle Esme then went to the main land for our hunting trip.

We had been hunting for twenty minutes when Renesmee caught the scent of a panther. We followed the scent until we came up it, crouching on a branch above us. It growled at Renesmee with its ear laid back against it head. Before I could attack, it jumped down not ten feet from her. It launched itself at her and it was over before it started.

Bella stepped forward but I stopped and nodded. "She'll be alright." After a few minutes, Renesmee stood up gracefully and turned around. She did not have a drop of blood on her clothes nor were they shredded to pieces, as Bella's clothes were when she had first hunted.

She smiled that crooked smile she got from me. Bella could not help but laugh. "You are so your father's daughter."

Then the memory faded as she fell asleep. I kept her hand on my neck and watched her dream. Noticing that it was getting light, I gently nudged Renesmee. "We need to get home. Everyone's going to wonder if we're coming back." She nodded and shifted around to my back. I stood up and felt her tighten her arms around my neck as we made our way home.

Carlisle and Jasper came out to meet us. Jasper took Renesmee from me. "Come on, munchkin; time to get you to bed." He walked to the side of the house and jumped up the open French doors that lead into my old room.

I looked at Carlisle. We turned and walk to the river. Then jumping across, we hit the ground on the other side at a dead run. When I knew that we were out of range of the house, I stopped and sank to the ground. I felt my chest rip open further as I allowed myself to grieve the loss of my wife, my mate and lover. I wrapped my arms around my chest, as if that action alone would keep my heart from falling out. I felt Carlisle's hands on my shoulders as he offered silent support.

"I know, son, I know." he said, trying to keep his grief under control.

"I can't believe after everything, I still lost her." I replied as a tearless sob wracked my body.

"Bella will always be with us, Edward. She gave the best part of herself to Renesmee."

Flashed of Bella and Renesmee, memories of the last hundred years, flew through my mind. I knew Carlisle was right. Bella had given me the greatest gift in the world, a daughter. Around four o'clock, Carlisle's phone rang, breaking the silence. "It's Esme." He answered it. "Yes … we'll be home shortly." He hung up and turned to me. "Renesmee's awake. She asked Alice if you were coming home."

I looked at him confused. "Why would she think I wasn't …?"

"She knows how much you loved Bella. She knows how you reacted when you thought Bella was dead. After all, Edward, she still is half human." Carlisle explained.

I looked down at my arm. The bite from Renesmee had barely started to close. "Yes, she is." Carlisle noticed the new bite. I heard his thoughts. "I had to restrain Renesmee. She was so broken, Carlisle. I had my arms around her and she panicked, biting my arm."

He took a closer look at it. "She must have gotten in deep since it's still healing."

"Carlisle, do you think there was any way that Bella could have survived?"

His eyebrows furrowed then he looked at me. "Son, I know you want me to say yes, there's a chance, but I honestly can't say that. The fire had engulfed the whole aircraft." his answered his voice cracking.

We made our way back to the house, discussing how we were going to handle the story of Bella's death. It would be easier this time since we had not been back to Forks in one hundred years. Amazing how a small town can grows. It was no longer the town of three thousand one hundred and twelve people, but a city of almost seven thousand. Everyone we knew then had passed. We moved back in May, so no one knew us.

A family meeting was called as soon as we got home. Everyone gathered in the dining room. Renesmee sat to the left of Carlisle; she drew her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on top of them. I pulled the chair closer to her and sat down. I put my arm around her shoulders as she rested her head on my shoulder. _"She may be a hundred years old, but she will always be my little girl."_

We talked about our options. Carlisle was the first to speak. "The next several weeks or months are going to be very difficult, for everyone." he began. "However, we have a decision to make. Esme, what do you think?"

Esme thought for a moment then answered. "Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie will be starting their sophomore year. Alice, Edward, Renesmee and Bella were going to start out as freshmen. It doesn't matter where we go, we would still be dealing with this."

Everyone nodded in agreement, giving his or her opinion of the situation. I spoke at that point. "We haven't been around long enough for anyone to have gotten know any of us, save the hospital."

Carlisle nodded. "Yes, everyone at the hospital knows of our family." He paused then looked at Renesmee. "Nessie, you've been very quiet."

"I'm in agreement with everyone. It would cause more of a problem if we disappear, even if we've only been here a short time." she said quietly then got up and went upstairs.

"The decision is made then, we stay." Carlisle said.

Everyone slowly left the dining room, Jasper with Alice; Emmett with Rosalie and Carlisle with Esme. I sat the table alone, grief overtaking me. I heard the sobs from upstairs. _"My little girl, how do we get through this?"_

I got up and made my way upstairs. I remembered the first time I brought Bella to my room. I was nervous, since I could not read her mind, about what she would think. Now, it was Renesmee's room. I thought it was interesting that she left everything as it was, save a few things that she added from her own collection.

I paused outside the room, watching her. She was sitting in the doorway of the open French doors. I shook my head when I saw she had on my favorite blue shirt. Whenever she was upset or felt alone, she would put it on. It was an anchor for her. It reminder her of who she was when she felt like she did not fit in.

"_Are you going to leave me all alone?"_

I stood there, frozen. "Why would you ask me that? I love you with my life just like I loved your mother." Then I realized that Bella had worn my shirt before she left and it still had her scent on it. I sat down next to Renesmee.

"I'm sorry … I don't know what to do. I feel numb, like part of me is missing." she looked at me, her chocolate brown eyes confused and hurting. A tear fell down her cheek.

I reached up and wiped it away. "I know, Nessie. It's going to take a long time to get over this, but you can't shut me out like you did earlier today." I paused, hearing her silently apologize again. "You're mother had that gift. It's different when you push someone out."

Renesmee nodded. "I didn't know what to do. I was mad at myself then I was mad at mom." She ran her fingers over the scar on my right forearm and put her hand over her mouth to stifle a sob. "I can't believe I did that. I'm so sorry, dad."

I stood up, offering my hand to her and pulled her up. I wrapped her in my arms and held her. "I understand what happened. Self-preservation makes us do things we never thought we would do. Your instincts were governing you. You did nothing wrong." I felt her nod then I heard her stomach growl.

She giggled and kissed my cheek. "I guess I need to eat, but I really don't feel like it." We turned to go down stairs when she caught her reflection in the mirror. "I look horrible."

We made our way downstairs. Everyone was in the kitchen talking about school. Renesmee began going through her cabinets. A quiet growl came from her causing Esme to turn and walk over to her. She put her arm around Renesmee.

"Nessie, why don't you go hunting." she suggested as she tucked a strain curl behind her granddaughter's ear. Esme sensed Renesmee's hesitancy. She looked over at Carlisle. "I know we already hunted but I think a family hunt would be a good idea."

Carlisle looked around at everyone. "I think that's a great idea. It's going to a long few weeks and we can get out of the house."

I watched Renesmee go upstairs then heard her call as she went. "I'm going to change."

When she came back downstairs a few minutes later, she was wearing a black tank top and a pair of jeans. We all left to go hunting.


	2. Chapter 2

RPOV~

The only thing I wanted to do was die, but I kept that thought buried deep, away from my dad's keen awareness. I only thought about that when I was away from house hunting. I made sure my trips were enough to get me by. I ate just enough so no one would notice the weight I was losing.

I had my family to comfort me. I would wake up from nightmares to find cool arms wrapped around me tightly, rocking me, my dad's thoughts breaking through the grief that wouldn't let me sleep.

The love I had for my family kept me somewhat sane, but I was tired. I was tired of the nightmares, the hugs, the touches; afraid that my hidden thoughts would be found out. Most of all, I was tired of the pain, the hurt and the grief. I knew my dad understood because he had been there, but now it had happened. By some freak chance, my mom had been on the wrong flight at the wrong time.

A week later, we received a phone call from the airlines saying that they couldn't find all passengers. They did find a sterling silver wedding band, that somehow, managed to survive. It had mom's full name engraved on the inside. They offered their condolences. By the time we arranged the "funeral", over half the hospital had heard Doctor Cullen and his wife had lost one of their daughter in the crash. So much for a quiet family funeral.

We registered for school, again assuming the roles for freshmen and sophomores. I had been through high school five times and college twice. I would take a break before starting the routine again. The day before school started, Alice, Rosalie, Jasper and I went shopping for school. Jasper usually didn't go with us, but he wanted to make sure things stayed calm. He and dad were the only two that noticed I was slowly pulling away from everyone, the silent inner dying of who I was.

When we got home, dad was waiting for us on the porch. His smile faded as I got out of the car. I threw Jasper an irritated looked as his gaze and a calm settled on me. A low growl rattled in my throat. Alice and Rosalie looked at me, concerned about my reaction. I was barely keeping my thoughts buried as dad was at my side immediately. He went to touch my shoulder as I held up my hand.

"Just leave me alone, please." I said sharply as I grabbed my bags and went inside.

I put my clothes away and let out the French twist that my bronze curls had been in all day. I changed out of the satin dress I was wearing. I put on a pair of jeans and a carbon gray fitted tee shirt. I turned on the stereo and curled up on the black leather couch. Debussy played softly as I made the mistake of thinking about leaving. I knew when I made it as dad appeared in the door way of my room.

"Nessie, that won't solve anything." he said quietly as he sat on the floor next to the couch.

"It doesn't matter, anyway."

His golden eyes gazed at me then grief etched his handsome features. "Oh, Nessie, please don't. I couldn't bear the loss both of you."

I knew what he was talking about, but I wasn't going to admit it. I gave a dry laugh. "dad, what are you talking about? It was just a passing thought."

His eyes hardened as I got up from the couch. He gently took a hold of my wrist and brought my hand to his neck. "There's a difference between a passing thought and one with intention behind it."

"No." I said as I jerked my hand away.

I turned and jumped out of the open French doors. As I reached the backyard, I could hear Carlisle and dad talking. I paused to listen.

"Carlisle, what can I do? It's ripping me apart watching her die inside. She's barely hunting and eating. The last time she had a peaceful sleep was June. She nearly attacked Jasper when they got home." my dad said, his voice strained and hurt.

"Son, I know. She pulling away from all of us. She's so much like you and Bella. Her pain is harder to process. If she was complete human, the grief would fade in a short period of time." Carlisle explained then sighed. "But her mind functions on our level and that's keeping the memory fresh longer."

I ran to the meadow and climbed half way up my tree. I didn't notice the twilight nor the star come out. I looked at my watch, eight-thirty. My phone vibrated. I looked to see that Alice was calling, so I answered it. "Yes, Alice?"

"Just checking on you." she said in her sweet voice.

"Thanks." I replied then hung up. Sometimes I forgot that Alice couldn't see me. I was mulling that fact over in my head when I smelled my dad before he even got close enough to hear. "I know what time it is."

Dad climbed up the tree and sat down beside me. "I know, but we do have school tomorrow." he replied, nudging me. "You need to hunt before we start."

I sighed and climbed on his back. He jumped down, landing on the ground softly. He let me down and we hunted for the next hour then headed home.

September rolled around making it's unwelcomed announcement of my one hundredth birthday and what would have been mom's one hundred and eighteenth birthday. As the eleventh drew closer, my loneliness grew deeper. That, of course, was my own fault. I had pulled away from everyone, unable to deal with the pain that never let up.

One day as we came home, Jasper was watching me, trying to help. I tried to let the calm roll over me but it wouldn't settled. We pulled into the garage. As I got out, dad touched my shoulder. I turned to see his expression harden.

"Jasper is only trying to help you." He said.

"I. don't. want. it." I snarled back and walked into the house.

Carlisle called after me but I ignored him as I went upstairs. I hung up my black suede coat. I sat down at my desk and opened the top right draw. I pulled out a picture that marked where I was in my journal. It was a picture of mom, dad and I after I graduated medical school the first time. I ran my fingers over mom's face. The tears rolled down my cheeks. I put the picture back in the journal and placed it in the drawer. I heard Carlisle tell everyone to leave me alone for a while.

"I know you all mean well, but please give her some space." Carlisle explained gently.

"She alone all the time, Carlisle." Emmett said. "That can't be good."

"Emmett, that's her choice." Esme commented.

After a while, the conversation died away. I recognized Esme's foot steps come up the stairs. She came in and sat down on the couch.

"Sweetheart, I'm not going to tell you how you should deal with this. I want you to know that if you want to talk, I'm here." she said.

"Grandma …" I tried, but ended up holding my head in my hands, crying.

She got up, knelt next to me and wrapped her arms around me. I buried my face in her shoulder as she rocked me.

"My sweet girl, I wish I could make this right." she whispered.

After a while, dad came up to check on me. I was finishing up my English paper when he knock on door.

"Come in." I said as I looked up.

"It's seven o'clock, do you want something to eat?" he asked, tucking a curl behind my ear.

I picked up my paper from the printer and sighed. "Dad, I'm not really hungry." I said quietly, knowing that I couldn't hide the bruises under my eyes that were slowly getting darker.

He shook his head. "No dice, Renesmee, you haven't hunted in a week and you barely ate anything at lunch today."

I felt every muscle in my body tighten.

My dad just looked at me. "We only trying to help you. Let us help you, Nessie."

I walked over to my closet and took out a black hoodie.

"It's a school night and you have a curfew." Dad reminded me.

I turned from the open French doors and look at him, my expression dark, instinct running to close to the surface. "Right now, I don't care." With that, I jumped down and began across the yard. I looked up to find dad standing in front of me.

"What did you just tell me?" he asked, much too calmly.

"I said I don't care." I replied as started to walk around him.

I had never challenged my dad authority, keeping in mind that he was two hundred and eight years older than me. I sometimes made the mistake of forgetting that I was half-human and still fragile. I knew I had made a mistake in blowing off his warning. He caught my arm, his eyes black.

"This is hard on _us all_." he said. "Jasper and I both have noticed the weight loss, the half eaten food that you don't finish, the half drained animals."

I couldn't look at him anymore. The pain and grief in his eyes was too much. "I just want to be left alone."

"We can't do that, Nessie." he said trying to give me a hug. "I won't stand by and watch you kill yourself slowly."

He knew what I was trying to do. This whole time, they knew. I had so much pent up inside and no outlet for it to go. The statement was in my mind and out of my mouth before I could stop it. "So, maybe I can't handle this as well as you. I mean it's not like this is the first time you've been through this." I yelled. Tears rolled down my cheeks as my hands covered my mouth. _I can't believe I just said that._

Dad dropped his arms and stared at me. For a few minutes, he didn't move. I stumbled backwards only to be caught by Jasper. I struggled to get away from him. Alice told him to let me go. He let go as I took off into the woods. The whole conversation rehearsed itself in my mind over and over again.

I had never thrown, what my dad considered his worst mistakes, back in his face. I don't remember where I stopped when I passed out from lack of food and tears. I remember that it had begun to rain. I didn't care if I made it back home. I wanted to die. I vaguely remember something warm being wrapped around me and something cool brushing my cheek.

* * *

EPOV~

Renesmee had never challenged my authority before, but with everything that had happened, it didn't surprise me. We never thought that some like this would take Bella away from us. We had our own ways of dealing with her loss. For my part, I mourned and cried when I was out hunting alone. I didn't want Renesmee to see me broken.

Now, we were in the back yard and neither of us were backing down. Everyone had come out to intervene.

"This is hard on us all." I said. "Jasper and I both have noticed the weight loss, the half eaten food that you don't finish, the half drained animals." She couldn't look at me anymore. The pain and grief in my eyes was too much.

"I just want to be left alone." she said.

"We can't do that, Nessie." I said trying to give her a hug. "I won't stand by and watch you kill yourself slowly."

Then I felt it. Her muscles tensed. She became aware that I knew the one thing that she had been trying to keep hidden. I had to admit she had managed to keep it from me for a long time. It was a couple of weeks after school started when she came home early from hunting. She walked into the house and sat down at the piano. The sound of Bella's lullaby floated through the house along with my daughter's sobs. If my heart was able to beat still, it would have stopped when I heard the thought. She could have been standing next to me talking, _I only want to die_.

I heard the thought in her mind before she said it. I knew she didn't mean to hurt me, but it shocked me none the less.

"So, maybe I can't handle this as well as you. I mean it's not like this is the first time you've been through this." she yelled. Tears rolled down her cheeks as her hands covered her mouth. _I can't believe I just said that._ she instantly thought.

I dropped my arms and stared at her, shocked. She stumbled backwards as Jasper caught her. She struggled until Alice told him to let her go. Then she took off into the woods, in the direction of the cottage. I stared after her for a long time until Alice placed her hand on my shoulder.

"She didn't mean what she said, Edward. She would never think of throwing that back in your face like that." Alice said, confirming what I already knew.

I nodded. "I know, she's angry and hurt. She only said it because she realized that I knew the secret that she was hiding."

Esme looked at me. "What secret, Edward?"

I didn't want to add to anyone's grief, but I had to tell them. "She wants to die."

Everyone's thoughts went to that single event in Italy. I lost count of how many times I wanted to erase it from my existence. Thunder in the distance broke the silence as the wind pickup.

Carlisle spoke. "Edward, go follow her. Remember Alice can't see her and this storm is coming up fast."

I ran back into the house and grabbed a blanket. I followed my daughter's scent and heartbeat. When I found her, she soaked. I had to smile as she mumbled in her unconsciousness.

"Sorry … didn't mean it." she mumbled.

I pulled the blanket out of my coat and carefully wrapped it around her. I gently picked her up, pressing my lips to her cheek. I realized that she had ran in the direction of the cottage. When we got there, I started a fire in the fireplace and called Esme. After ten minutes, the door opened and Esme walked in.

I picked up Renesmee and carried her back to the master bedroom.

"I'll take care of her, Edward." Esme said as she gently pushed me out of the room.

While I waited, I noticed that one of Bella's books was out of place. It was the complete works of Tennyson. A marker was in it, so I opened it up. It was the Lady of Shallot. I was about to put it away when the scent wafted off of it. It was Renesmee's. Then I took a look around and noticed other things that were out of place. No one else would have noticed it because they were only slight changes that our kind would have noticed. I wasn't aware that Renesmee had been here. How much had my daughter managed to hide from me.

Esme came back out and walked over to me. She placed something in my hand. "Did you realize that she had this?"

I looked down and saw Bella's wedding band on a silver chain. "They said they mailed it to us."

"I think Nessie picked up the mail that day."

"Put it back on her, Esme." I said as I handed it back to her.

She came back out and hugged me. "Do you want me to stay?"

"No, thank you, mom." I said giving a hug. "I think a few days away from school would help."

"Okay, I'll tell Carlisle to call the school and let them know that you two won't be there for a few days." she offered. I nodded. Then she quietly left.

I walked into the master bedroom and sat in the chair in the corner. I listened to her breathing and heartbeat. She looked so much like Bella when she was asleep. For once, her mind was quiet as she slept until about two in the morning.

Her dreams had been peaceful, mostly about the favorite memories of Bella. Her expression changed as a moan escaped her lips and her dreams turned dark. Her fingers dug into the comforter, tearing it. A scream ripped through the house as she bolted up.

"Dad!" she cried, her eyes opened but unseeing.

I was there instantly. "I'm here." Her eyes seemed to focus on me as the tears welled up in her eyes. I pulled her into my arms.

"I'm tired of the dreams, the nightmares, the pain." she cried.

I held her tighter pressing my cheek to the top her head. "I know, I know. I'm here, Nessie. I'm not going to let you make my mistake."

After a while, her breathing evened out. Every time my arms would slacken, her's would tighten. Esme's comment when we heard the news came back to me; _"Edward, you have to find her. Renesmee will need you now, more than ever. She's so much like you. She'll be so lost without you."_ I finally was able to lay her back down around six o'clock when I heard Jasper approach the house.

I opened the door and stepped outside to meet him. "How's everyone?"

"They seem to be okay this morning." he said then paused. "Edward, I wanted to apologize about yesterday. It was never my intention to push Renesmee so far."

"I know, Jasper. She was trying to let the calm you sent to her settle in, but she has so much going on inside her that it wouldn't."

"Is that how she was able to keep her death wish so quiet?"

I shook my head. "I think so. I haven't been able to figure that out yet. Bella was the only one who could keep me out. It explains why Renesmee pulled away from me the other day when I tried to put her hand on my cheek."

Jasper nodded in agreement. "Do you think there's more to it?"

As much as I wanted to laugh, I couldn't. "There has to be. She wouldn't be covering her thoughts if there wasn't."

Jasper sighed and turned to see Alice with their bags. "I guess it time to go to school." He started toward Alice then stopped and turned around. _"Edward, what if she runs?"_

I looked at him with a pained expression. _"I don't know, Jasper_."I replied and watched them leave.

Around ten o'clock, Renesmee began to wake up. She looked around, unsure as to how she had got here. The last coherent thought she had was passing out in the woods. She vaguely remembered being picked up but that was all.

Her eyes finally focused on me. "Esme, changed your wet clothes." I said, not moving from the chair.

She sat up, drew her knees up to her chest and looked away. "I'm so sorry, dad. I never meant to be so hurtful." she whispered afraid that I was angry with her.

I stood up and walked around the bed so I could see her face. I put my fingers under her chin and lifted her face so I could see her eyes. "I'm not angry with you. I only wish I could somehow make this easier for you."

She looked over a the clock. "Why didn't you wake me up for school?"

I smiled. "I asked Carlisle to call the school and tell them neither of us would be there for a few days. Alice is going to bring our homework."

Her eyes grew distant then focused. Shaking her head with a giggle, I couldn't help but smile. The memory was easy to recognize.

Renesmee looked at me, her smile reaching her eyes. _"We matriculate a lot."_

"Yes, but the younger we start out, the longer we can stay in a new place." I replied.

For the first time in a month, her laughter filled the room. I missed her laugh and smile. I had a plan for the day, so I walked over to the closet and opened it. I quickly found the bag that Esme left the night before.

"I thought we would take a road trip." I said as I set the bag on the bed.

Renesmee got up and stretched. "Where are we going?"

"Alice said it going to be raining all day in Seattle, so how does a shopping trip sound?"

"Do I get to drive?" she asked an eyebrow raised.

I smiled and walked out of the room. When she came out, she was wearing a pair of blue vintage boot cut jeans and a black velvet ruched shrug top with a pair of Mary Janes. Her bronze curls hung down to her shoulders in ringlets. I took her hand and carefully spun her around.

"You look beautiful." I said as I kissed her forehead.

She smiled as I handed her a set of keys. She looked at them and then at me.

"I decided to give you your birthday present early, but it's at the house."

We got back to the house and sitting out front was a black Porsche Boxter S. Renesmee turned around and wrapped her arms around me.

"Thank you, dad." she said as she walked around it.

I looked over at the porch to see Carlisle standing there. He nodded and smiled then went back inside. We could hear him telling everyone we would be back in a couple of days. Renesmee got in and started it. She smiled as the engine purred. For the next two days we spent in Seattle, we talking more than anything.

* * *

RPOV~

The time spent with my dad was great, but real life soon intruded back. The depression came back with a vengeance. I maintain a good face for school, but dad could see that our trip had only been a temporary relief from the pain.

More and more, I spent lunch walking in the woods behind the school rather then with my family. Two days before my birthday, I got to school early. I wanted some peace without Jasper providing it. Not matter how hard I tried to move on, the wound wouldn't heal and the pain wouldn't leave. I stopped suddenly when I heard my dad's foot falls. I looked over my shoulder to see him watching me from the edge of trees, but not following me. He was wearing a pair of black jeans with his favorite blue shirt and gray pea coat.

I knew it was time for us to go to class. I walked back to him. He wrapped his arms around me.

"I know, love, I know." He said as he handed me a travel mug. "You haven't hunted for a while."

I looked at him and took the mug. I quickly drank the contents then handed it back to him. He threw it into the trees with enough force that no one was going to find it anytime soon. I smiled, but it faded.

We walked back to Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie. Emmett gave me a bear hug. As the day went by, it got hard to focus on what was going on. Memories that mom had shared with me kept intruding, leaving me lost and numb. In English, dad nudged me. I nodded that I was okay, but the look on his face told me that he knew I was lying. By lunch, I was restless and wanted to ditch the rest of the day.

Everyone was talking about the mom and daughter outing that the school was planning as Alice, dad and I were on our way to lunch. I clenched my jaw to keep the tears from welling up in my eyes. Dad put his arm around my shoulders.

"Dad, I need to run to my car. I'll meet you in the cafeteria." I said as I focused on the envelope that was on the seat, but not on the content.

He looked at me, knowing that something was up. "Don't take too long, Nessie."

As I reached my car, I saw one of the girls from my biology class talking with her mom. I knew that was something I would never get to do again. I made my decision. I could hear my family talking then dad's and Alice's gasps and the hurried scraping of chairs. He knew I was running, now. I had about five minutes before everyone was here. I quickly grabbed the envelope, put it in dad's car, along with my necklace that held my Cullen crest. I got into my Porsche Boxter S just as my family came into view. My eyes caught my dad's. _"I'm sorry, dad." _With that, I sped out of the parking lot.

I got to the road with the trail to the meadow and left the car. I ran to the house only to find four vehicles out front. I knew they would bet me home. I silently stole up to my room and grabbed the backpack I had hidden, but my heartbeat gave me away. I heard dad coming up the stairs. He reached the hall just as I looked up.

"Renesmee …" he began toward me.

I jumped out of the doorway and took off for my car. For a moment, I knew what the animals felt like when we hunted them. I listened as the rest of my family joined dad. I could feel that dad was fifty feet behind me. Then it got quiet, but I didn't stop. I ran trying to get away from the hurt and pain.

I got to the car and took off for Canada. I knew I was killing my family by doing this but I couldn't take it anymore. Everything was too much. I only wanted to die, by whatever means that was, just to die.

I never got rid of my cell phone. I somehow wanted a way to reach my family if something went wrong. I had no idea where I was headed except that I wanted to get away. My phone vibrated off and on all day. It was dad. I didn't answer it. If he ever forgave me after this was over, it would be miracle and those were things I had didn't have a lot of.

I thought that if I could kill that human part of me then the rest of me would die. I thought wrong. The nightmares got worse as I would wake up screaming with no one to comfort me. I didn't sleep much and I hunted even less. I should have known better. I did know better. My family's motives had only love behind them, to help carry me through the death of my mother, but I didn't want it. I wanted to deal with it on my own.

I knew people who had died over the last hundred years, but it's different when it's one of your parents. That is a different type of pain, a different type of grief. I thought after a while, the pain would become less but it only seemed to get worse.

My phone would vibrated twice a day, at six-thirty in the morning and five in the evening. It was Alice this time. Again, I didn't answer it. I turned off my phone. I knew that Alice couldn't see me. Then I thought about what I heard dad say as I ran away from my family, "I will always love you, Nessie." How could I ever go home.

I stayed at a small B&B for a few weeks. I found a local company that rent cabins to the short term hikers and such. I decide on one that similar to the cottage at home but well outside of Prince George. The next four months would always be with me, for eternity. I faded slowly as I sank deeper into the loneliness. I went walking a lot, wondering in the numerous parks.

The one good thing that came out of it was my friend Alisha Taylor. I had met her when I decide to go to the regional college's library. Alisha was friendly but shy and private. She reminded me a lot of mom. I guess it was easier for me to be around people because I was half-human. However, I knew that made me even more dangerous. She was twenty and had recently lost both of her parents in a car accident.

It was also the only time that I called a member of my family since I left three months ago.

"Forks General Hospital, how may I direct your call?" the operator answered.

I hesitated. "Doctor Carlisle Cullen, please."

"Thank you." she replied as she transferred me.

Carlisle's receptionist answered. "Doctor Cullen's office."

"May I speak with Doctor Cullen please?" I asked.

"May I say who's calling?"

"No, you may not." I said, unable to believe that his receptionist still couldn't recognize me.

"Okay, please hold on." she said then transferred me.

"This is Carlisle Cullen, may I ask who this is?"

I didn't speak for a moment. "Grandpa?" I replied tentatively.

I heard his gasp. "Renesmee …"

"Yeah, it's me. I won't ask you to not say anything. Dad will know as soon as you walk into the house." I said.

"We miss you so much, sweetheart. Please come home."

I almost said yes when I heard the pleading in his voice. His motive was clear, he wanted his granddaughter home. It was funny how as I lived longer that this peculiar sense about people became more prominent. "I can't … come home. I don't think dad would want to see me right now."

Carlisle's voice broke. "Nessie, your dad loves you so much. He never wanted this to happen. It's killing him. You know Alice can't see you."

The tears rolled down my cheeks. "Um … I was calling to ask you about something."

For the next forty-five minutes, I explained about Alisha. Carlisle listened attentively, asking questions about her personality, her reactions to me and such.

"She sounds a lot like your mother." he said.

"Yeah, she's a lot like mom." I offered.

Carlisle seemed to where the conversation was headed. "If you decide to come home, I don't think it would be a problem for her to visit. However, you know the rules, Renesmee. If she finds out what we are, she will have only two choices."

"I understand." I replied. "Um … I need to go."

"We do want you to come home, sweetheart, all of us." he said.

"Yeah." and with that I hung up. Little did I know, that my world would turn darker than it already was.

It was January now. I kept in touch with Alisha. She began to make me realize that my present course was a mistake, but I had figured that out about a week ago. I tried to eat but my stomach wouldn't accept the food. I ended up throwing up anything that I managed to choke down. Hunting was worse. The blood was so nauseating that I could only drink three or four swallows. I had to fight to keep that down which never happened. I would eventually throw that up as well. My body was starving, but it wouldn't accept any form of food.

I decided to try hunting again before the snow storm came. While I was out, a smell carried on the winds caught in my nose. I knew what it was. There was another person around. Except for me, who would possible be out in this weather in the middle of the park. Before I could react, the young man came into view.

I was too hungry, my body starved. My instincts clawed their way to the front of my mind overriding the voice that reminded me who I was.

"Hey, could you help me? I lost the trail I was on." he called.

_He's lost_, I thought. I knew there was no one around and no way for him to out run me. At that point, my instincts were governing me and the hunt was on. I had never killed anyone in my whole existence. However, the reality of what had happened began to settle in as I retched.

I looked at the body that was no more that five feet from me. _What have I done?!_ I sank to the ground unable to take my eyes off the body. The pain of what I had just done out weight all of the pain of the last six months. I remembered a ravine not far from where I was. Rule number one, destroy the evidence which I did.

I got back to the cabin and grabbed my cell phone. How could I call my dad and tell him what I had just done. I couldn't, that wasn't something I wanted to do over the phone. I knew that I would be able to catch up in school without a problem. I packed up and light a candle. I loaded the car then I made sure that any evidence of my being here would burn. Then I went to the rental company. It was Sunday, so no one was there. I made quick work of my information.

Somehow I was still able to drive home. It was a fourteen hour drive, so I stopped halfway. I got a room at a motel for a few hours to shower and change. I looked at my reflection in the mirror as I was getting out of the shower. I didn't even recognize myself. My muscles had lost their tone and my skin was sickly pale, not the beautiful pale of my family. My eyes were sunken in with dark bruises under my eyes from lack of sleep and hunting. I could count my ribs. I knew that only way I was alive was because of who I was and the small amount of food that I had managed to eat.

I put on a black Henley, a dark green hoodie and a pair of jeans. Everything was baggy now. I left the hotel and started for home. I drove into Forks around one in the morning. I didn't want to go home right away, so I went to the hospital. I drove through the employee parking and saw Carlisle's Mercedes. I took out my cell phone and text Carlisle.

_Carlisle~ I'm home. I'm behind the hospital. ~Nessie._

I drove around to the back of the hospital. I parked and got out of the car. After ten minutes, I saw Carlisle come out of the back entrance. The tears already running down my cheeks. The wind picked up then from the right direction, causing him to turn his head towards me. He looked around to make sure no one was around and was immediately at my side.

I didn't look up at him. He didn't say anything. Then he put his fingers under my chin and gently lifted my face up.

"Tell me what happened." he said quietly.

As I told him about the killing, he wrapped his arms around me. "Carlisle, I couldn't believe I had done that. I … don't know."

"Shh, it's okay. We all make mistakes, Nessie." he said then chuckled lightly. "Renesmee, you took care of the evidence."

I nodded then put my hand on his neck and showed him what I did.

"Good girl." he smiled. He stepped back, looking me over intently.

We stood there for a long time as I cried. Finally, his pager went off. He had a phone call. He gave me final hug. "Let me see who this is and then we'll head home." I nodded as we walked back into the hospital.

Carlisle picked up the phone to discover Alice was the person who was on hold. He talked with her for fifteen minutes. He hand the phone to me.

"Alice, wants to talk to you." he said gently.

I took the phone. "Yeah, Alice?"

Her sweet pixie laugh floated into my ear. "Welcome home, Nessie."

I smiled. "Thanks, Alice." I gave the phone back to Carlisle. He told one of the nurse to take me to exam room 5.

After ten more minutes, Carlisle came in. "I told the other attending that I had a family emergency and needed to leave. Nessie, could you take off your hoodie please?"

I sighed and reluctantly pulled it off. Here in the harsh lighting, I knew I looked horrible.

Carlisle turned around, shock and sadness in his eyes. "My god, Nessie." His hands gently cradled my face as he tilted my face up to look at my face. He had me stand up. He felt my arms, neck, back and legs. He had me step on the scale. He shook his head in disbelief. "You're only a hundred pounds. You've lost a third of your body weight, Nessie."

"I'm sorry, Carlisle. I couldn't deal with it anymore. I was so tired from the nightmares, the pain, the grief, everything. I know everyone was just trying to help, but I felt like I was drowning and suffocate at the same time." I said, my voice breaking.

"Alisha helped you though." he said as he checked my spine. "Did you let her know that you left?"

"Yeah, she's supposed to be transferring to Seattle for the spring semester. Did I tell you that both of her parents died in that crash outside Port Angeles?"

Carlisle smiled as he continued my examination. "No, you didn't mention that when you called."

"I wasn't thinking about that at the time." I replied sheepishly.

"What have you been eating?"

I gave him the whole list. "I haven't been able to keep anything down for the past few weeks."

"You've been vomiting after you eat?" he inquired. I nodded my head. His eyebrows furrowed together. "Have you been able to keep blood down?"

"If I drink anymore than three or four swallows, then I throw up." I mumbled.

He sighed. "You've been through school. You're lucky that your half-vampire because your kidneys should have shut down by now. I would hate to see what you're blood work would look like. You'll have to finish school at home. There is no way I'm going to let go back until you've gained some of your weight back. "

"So what's the story about me disappearing?"

Carlisle looked at me. "You became sick with a blood disorder and are receiving treatment at Mayo in Minnesota."

"Do I want to ask how much trouble I'm in?" I asked apprehensively.

Carlisle held up my hoodie so I could put it back on. "You're not in trouble, Renesmee. We all go through periods in our existence when we run away. Your dad had a ten years period in which he wasn't with us. When he left your mother, he was trying to protect her the only way he knew how. He did what he thought was right."

A tear escaped and slid down my cheek. Carlisle placed a kiss on my forehead. "We were afraid for you, Nessie. Alice can't see you like she can everyone else. We didn't know what was going on with you. When Edward found out that you had called me, he asked how you sounded. I told him you sounded exhausted and lonely."

I stood up and we walked out of the exam room just as a accident victim was wheeled in. The smell of the blood wafted passed us. I should've known better than to breath in at the same time. But unlike the rest of my family, I needed air. I turned my head and buried my face in Carlisle's shoulder. He quickly walked me out of the ER and out the employee parking lot. I gasped for breath as we stepped outside.

We walked over to his Mercedes. He opened the passenger side door and I got in. He drove around to my car. Alice was waiting by my car. She tapped on the window. I rolled it down and handed her the keys. She stared at me for a moment then smiled. She walked over to my car and got in. I rolled the window back up and we pulled out of the parking lot, heading for home.


	3. Chapter 3

EPOV~

I came back from hunting to find Alice talking with Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie and Esme. Carlisle was working a graveyard shift at the hospital. I was going to go to the living room until I noticed the direction of her thought. She was talking about Renesmee. Everyone had a smile on his or her face.

As I listened to Alice talk, I couldn't believe it. Renesmee was at the hospital with Carlisle. She looked at me and shook her head. _"You have to wait, Edward. Carlisle said she looks worse than you did in Italy. He wants to check her over."_

I nodded then walked into the living room and sank into the couch. I remembered how I looked when Bella, Alice and I came home. I couldn't image anyone looking any worse than that. _'Carlisle said she looks worse …'_ How could I have let this happen?

Alice appeared by me. "I'm going to the hospital to get Renesmee's car. Carlisle's bring her home. He said she exhausted so he didn't want her to drive."

Something flashed through Alice's mind too fast for me to catch. "Alice, what was that?"

She paused. "The reason she came home." she replied then looked at me. _"Edward … she lost control and accidentally killed someone."_

The look on my face was all Jasper needed to step in. "She tried to hunt and Nessie got a whiff of a hiker that had gotten lost in the park she was at."

"Nessie said it scared her so much, she immediately took care of things, cabin and all then hit the road home." Emmett said.

Alice said she needed to get to the hospital. Everyone sat and waited. My daughter was coming home. It was like a bad movie when I heard her thoughts that day. I placed the guilt of her running on my own shoulders, thinking that I should have been able to see it more clearly. I could hear Bella's voice in my head; _It's not your fault, Edward._ However, Renesmee had figured out how to bury her thoughts, save her wish to die.

We had just sat down in the cafeteria when Alice and I heard Renesmee decide to leave without telling us. We all jumped up and ran out of the cafeteria, slow enough as not to draw attention to ourselves. We got out to the parking lot just in time to see her pull out.

"_I'm so sorry, dad."_ I heard her think.

She raced out of the parking lot, but she headed in a different direction. She headed to the trail at the end of the road. We all raced home thinking that we could stop her before she could leave the house. Emmett was on his phone telling Carlisle what had happened while Rosalie called Esme at the house.

We got to the house, but Renesmee's car wasn't there. After about ten minutes, I heard it. A racing heartbeat and hurried thoughts came from upstairs. I sprinted upstairs to see her throwing a backpack over her shoulder. I called to her but she jumped out of the open French doors, down to the ground. I started after her then everyone was after us. I caught up with her when I abruptly stopped. Renesmee compared the prey we hunted to us chasing after her. "I will always love you, Nessie." I whispered as I watched her run.

Carlisle put his hand on my shoulder. "Edward, remember you had your rebellious years also. She has to deal with this in her own way and if she thinks that leaving will help her do that then you can't stop her."

Esme wrapped her arms around me as I sank to my knees. Carlisle knelt next to us, his arms around us both. "Carlisle, what if …." I began as my voice cracked.

"Don't even think it, Edward." Carlisle stated. "She just needs time, like you did when Bella first came to Forks. She just needs time."

I knew he was trying to convince himself of that. He wanted to believe that his only granddaughter would come home.

We got back to the house after a while. As I passed my car, I noticed an envelope on the passenger seat and a necklace hanging from the rear view mirror. _I didn't see those before_. I opened the door, picked up the white envelope then gently took the necklace from the mirror. I looked at the necklace. It was Renesmee's crest I had made for her first birthday. As she grew up, I made adjustments to the size of the pendent. It was slightly larger than Alice's yet smaller that Rosalie's and hung from a sixteen-inch sterling silver snake chain. I turned over the envelope. To My Family, was written in my daughter beautiful handwriting. Carlisle came over to check on me.

"Son, are you alright?" he asked placing a hand on my shoulder.

"I don't think she's coming back, Carlisle." I said gravely as I hand him the necklace.

We walked into the house and joined everyone in the living room. I sat down and opened the envelope. I took out the single page letter written on Renesmee's stationary. I started to read but found that I couldn't. Rosalie put her hand on my shoulder.

"Edward, let me read it to everyone." she said quietly. I nodded and handed it to her.

Rosalie began to read it aloud for everyone.

"_~To My Family,_

_I am so sorry to have done this to you, added to you hurt and pain. I needed to go. I knew that if I had said anything, it would have been impossible to get away. I can't get passed the pain and grief." _She looked over at Jasper._"Tell Jasper that I know he was just trying to help keep things on an even keel. I was starting to feel like I was drowning and suffocating at the same time."_

Then Rosalie turned her eyes to me.

"_Dad, I'm sorry. There's so much I kept hidden from you because I didn't want to add to your pain. I should have come and talked to you, but for some reason I can't understand, I couldn't. It was really my fault. I always take my phone off vibrate when we get out of school. If I had remembered to do so, then maybe mom would still be with us. Everything's broken and I don't know how to put it back together. I love you so much. I am so sorry._

_Love,_

_Renesmee"_

"I wish I could have helped her more." Jasper said, regret coloring his voice.

Esme put her hands on his shoulders. "You, all of us, did all we could do to help her. She just couldn't … I don't know."

"How did she keep all of this quiet?" Emmett asked sorrowfully.

"Nessie has always known that I can't see her and she was counting on that." Alice said her head in her hands. Jasper wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

"That doesn't explain how she kept them from you, Edward." Carlisle commented.

I thought for a moment then realized something. "She hid her motives."

"She did what?" Rosalie asked.

"Bella was the only one who could hide her thoughts from me. You can't hide your thoughts, but you can suppress your motives behind the thoughts."

Alice understood. "So her thoughts seemed to be just passing thoughts with no intent."

Everyone finally understood.

After a while, I went upstairs to Renesmee's room. I placed her necklace and crest in her jewelry armoire. I looked around the room, taking in all the memories that it had held. I heard Carlisle come up the stairs and pause at the door.

"Edward, you can stay here if you want instead of going back to the cottage."

I nodded. "Thank you, Carlisle, but I need to be there. I have a feeling that she's going to be gone a while, but not as long as I was."

He nodded and turned to leave. I pulled out my phone and tried calling her, but she never answered her phone. We all took turns calling every morning and evening but Renesmee never answered.

After two weeks, Alice had tried one night, she gave up.

"I think she's turned off her phone." she said with a heavy sigh.

"It went to her voicemail didn't it?" Rosalie asked.

Alice nodded as she sat down next to Jasper. "I hate this, not being able to keep an eye on her."

The family had come up with the story that Renesmee was sick with a blood disorder of all things and was receiving treatment at Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. I ran my hands through my hair.

We never heard from Renesmee except once. It was November and Carlisle had come home. A few hours later, we came home from school. We walked in from the garage and I heard his thoughts.

"_So, Renesmee has a friend to talk to."_

I looked at him when he saw us. He told everyone to come to the dining room for a family meeting. He explained that Renesmee had called him at the hospital and had told him about her friend Alisha. He said that he had tried to talk her in to coming home, but she refused afraid that she wouldn't be welcome back.

I sat there in disbelief. Then I reminded myself that she was my daughter and a lot of Bella's and my personality traits, our daughter inherited. It was like taking Bella and I, concentrating the essence of who we were individually and together and pouring it into our daughter.

"So why did she call and tell you about Alisha?" Rosalie inquired.

Carlisle thought for a moment then looked at me when he saw my jaw tighten. "The way Nessie described Alisha; she may as well have been describing Bella. Alisha and Bella seem to be a lot alike, enough so for Nessie to call."

"She was asking if it was safe for her to be friends." I confirmed.

He nodded then continued. "I cautioned her, reminding her of the rules regard our secrecy. She agreed. Although, I have a feeling that Alisha will react a lot like Bella did."

That was the only time that Renesmee called. Now we were waiting for her to come home. I paced the living room concerned about how her health was. I was concerned about her emotional and mental state. It wasn't an easy thing to kill someone when it went against everything you were taught. It disturbed me that she wasn't able to keep anything down.

"She'll be here soon, Edward." Esme said as she hugged me.

We all look toward the driveway as we heard the cars pull onto the unmarked road. As they got closer, everyone moved to the window. I moved to the front door, opened it and stepped out on to the deep porch. I could hear the anxiety in the heartbeat inside Carlisle's Mercedes. The cars pulled up and parked. Renesmee's Porsche looked exactly like it did when I gave it to her.

Carlisle got out as Alice pulled the bags out of the Porsche's trunk. Alice walked up to me. I could smell Renesmee's scent on her from driving the car.

"_She's scared, Edward."_

"_She thinks I'll be disappointed in her."_

"_That's part of it. Edward, she's starved and malnourished. She needs to eat and hunt, but she can't keep anything in her. Carlisle said the only reason she's still alive is because she's half-vampire."_

I looked at Carlisle as he opened the passenger door. Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie and Esme had joined us on the porch. It seemed like an eternity before Carlisle could coax her out of the car. Her heart pounded in my ears only worsened my own anxiety. _She not scared. She's terrified_, I thought as calm settled over me. I nodded a 'thank you' to Jasper.

Carlisle looked at Jasper, a pleading look on his face. After a few minute, Renesmee heart settled into a more relaxed rhythm.

A soft murmur came from the car. "Thank you, Jasper."

Carlisle helped Renesmee out of the car. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders as they walked up to the steps. Her clothes were baggy on her frame, making her look small and childlike. She had her hood up over her head. I slowly made my way down the steps. Renesmee still wouldn't look up. I wrapped my arms around her as she wrapped hers around my waist. It startled me how much weight she had lost. I could feel every bone, tendon and ligament.

"Welcome home, sweetheart."

"_Dad, I'm sorry …"_

"There's no apologizes needed, Renesmee. I only wish that you didn't have to go through it alone."

She reached up and placed her hand on my neck. I felt her tears wet my shirt as she showed me the last four months. She abruptly stopped by lifting her fingers. I knew what the next scene was. I pressed her fingers back on my neck without any resistance from her. I watched as the hiker came into her line of sight then the attack. Alice had come up behind me and placed her hands on my shoulders. Everyone gathered around us as the scene ended with Renesmee driving home.

Esme touched my shoulder as I relinquish my daughter to the rest of my family. Emmett picked her up and gave her a bear hug. He immediately noticed a grimace come across her face. He gently set her down and kissed her head, apologizing. We finally made our way inside. Jasper took her bags upstairs.

* * *

RPOV~

As Carlisle pulled up to the house, I saw dad waiting on the porch. His smiled, anxiety and concern in his eyes. I had no doubt that Alice had relayed her and Carlisle's conversation. I was terrified of how everyone would react, not only to my physical appearance but also to my mistake. How could I ever face my dad if he was disappointed in me. I watched Carlisle get out and walk around the car. Alice was getting my stuff out of the trunk of my car. She walked up to dad. His concern deepened as he heard what I was thinking. I saw Jasper look at him causing dad's features to relax.

Carlisle opened the door but I didn't move. "Come on, Nessie." he said as he noticed my stillness. He felt the anxiety roll off me in waves. He looked over at Jasper. His focus moved from my dad to me.

An intense wave of calm washed over me. "Thank you, Jasper." I softly murmured.

Carlisle took my hand and helped me out of car. I kept my hood up so I wouldn't have to look at anyone. Carlisle wrapped his arm around my shoulders as we walked up to the steps. Dad slowly met us. He wrapped his arms around me as I wrapped mine around his waist. For the first time since July, I felt safe, but I had been so lost in pain and grief that I felt alone and scared even with my family constantly around me.

I knew he could feel how much weight I lost. Everyone waited as we had our own private conversation. Dad let me know, clearly, that there was no need to apologize. Then I did something that I hadn't done in six months. I reached up as the tears fell from my eyes and rested my hand on my dad's neck.

I showed him my living nightmare of the last four months. We stood there for what seemed like an eternity, but in reality was only fifteen minutes. Then I lifted my fingers suddenly. I didn't want to show him the attack or the aftermath, but he gently pressed my fingers back against his neck. He didn't move away, but wrapped his arms more securely around me. I breathed in deep, taking in my dad scent. I had missed that smell.

Esme touched dad's shoulder, letting him know that the rest of them wanted to welcome me home. Emmett picked me up, giving me a bear hug, but in my physical condition, it hurt. I grimaced and he gently put me down.

"Sorry, munchkin. I missed you so much." he said kissing me on my head.

We finally made it inside the house. I didn't realize how much I had missed it. It felt different four months ago, but then again, I had been different. Looking back, it was my dad that kept me together. No matter how much I fought to keep things from him, fought his comforting efforts, he kept me sane. My dad was my anchor, my reason for living.

Dad heard my thoughts and kissed my temple. "Thank you, sweetheart. You did the same for me."

Jasper took my bags upstairs. We walked into the kitchen as Esme pulled out donor blood from the refrigerator, my back up supply if I couldn't go hunting. I breathed in sharply as everyone's head turned towards me.

Carlisle listened intently. "It sounded like your heart just skipped a beat." He listened carefully. "It sounds like you have a slight heart murmur, but that could be from your present condition. We'll have to keep an eye on it."

Esme handed me a travel mug. I took it from her and held it up to my mouth, not sure, if this was a good idea. Carlisle brought in a chair from the dining room and had me sit down.

"Take a drink then wait a minute or so before you take another one. The last thing we need is for you to develop re-feeding syndrome."

"Agreed." I said as I took a drink. _How did I ever drink this when I was a kid_, I thought. Dad laughed at my thought. I went to swat him but then thought better of it. A broken hand wouldn't help matters any.

I was able to drink half of the blood when I felt it coming up. "Trash can."

Emmett grabbed it, handing it to Carlisle just in time. I retched once but managed to keep most of what I had drunk, down. Carlisle took the cup from me and put it back in the refrigerator.

"You managed to drink a half of pint." Carlisle said. He became thoughtful for a moment. "Edward, would you help Renesmee up to her room." he commented to dad then turned to me. "Let's see if you can get some sleep."

I stood up and became dizzy. Dad picked me up and carried me upstairs to my room. Jasper had already put everything away for me. My room was the same as when I left, but the smell was wrong. Dad set me on my feet. He kept his hand on the small of my back just in case.

I looked around. "I'm okay, dad." I commented as I walked over to the closed French doors. I opened them slightly, letting the cold air into the room. After a few minutes, I closed them. I took a deep breath to find the air cleared and clean.

He looked at me for moment. "It smelled wrong, didn't it?"

"Yeah, stagnant and sad."

Dad walked over to my jewelry armoire and opened it as I sat down at my desk. I pulled out my journal. I took the picture out of it. Dad stood behind me.

"Bella was so proud of you." he said as he placed a kiss on the top of my head. "I have something for you."

I half turned around and saw him holding my necklace from my crest hung. "I never meant to hurt anyone."

He undid the clasp and put it back on me. Then he knelt next to me. He looked at me for the longest time. He tucked a stray curl behind my ear. "Renesmee, I'm not disappointed in you."

I looked at him confused. "You're not? After everything that's happened, you're not disappointed?"

He smiled. "Silly girl, why would I be? You made a mistake, but you recognized it and stopped. It's our ability to control our thirst that makes us different. You knew when you hit your limit."

I nodded. "I've never been so scared in my life, dad."

He hugged me. "It's not an easy thing to deal with. You had to do what you thought was right." His features became pained.

Dad picked me up and laid me on my bed. He covered me with the chenille throw that was at the foot of the bed. He went into the bathroom and came back with a warm washcloth. Placing it on my forehead, he sat down on the bed. My eyes grew heavy as I heard dad began to hum a familiar melody.

"I haven't heard you hum mom's lullaby for a long time." I mumbled sleepily.

He removed the washcloth and gently kissed my forehead. "You were usually asleep when I would. It helps calm you when you have nightmares."

He began to get up then stopped. _"Don't go … dad."_ I barely felt the back of his fingers brush my cheek.

"I'll be right back." He replied quietly.

I felt something warm on my forehead and realized that dad rewet the washcloth. I heard him pull up a chair next to the bed. Then I was lost to sleep. For the first time in six months, my sleep was deep and peaceful with only good memories of my mom playing in my dreams.

I vaguely remember someone coming into the room but I couldn't open my eyes. I recognized the sound of the footfalls. It was Carlisle. After a few minutes, dad's scent was displaced by his as he settled in the chair to watch over me.

Then the dream came back. It was one that I had from time to time. I had my arms wrapped around a stake as a blaze like I had never felt enveloped me. For some reason, the normal reaction wouldn't come. Instead of trying to get away from it, I relaxed. The burning was something familiar to me but I couldn't place it. I floated with it as it ebbed and flowed through and around me. Then the dream faded into nothing.

As I began to wake up. I heard Carlisle and dad talking quietly in the hall. I opened my eyes slowly to find several tasteful flower arrangements in various places around my room. Light was flooding my room, which only meant one thing. It was one of the few days that the sun was shining in Forks. My family was home.

"_Dad?"_

The door opened as dad and Carlisle came into the room. I looked at my alarm clock. It said 3:47 pm. "I'm here, love."

"How long have I been sleeping?" I asked in a raw voice as I slowly sat up. I noticed that I was under the covers of my bed and in my pajamas.

"It's been four days." Carlisle said as he checked my heart and pulse. After he was finished, he went downstairs.

Dad looked thoughtfully at me. "You were talking in your sleep for the first couple of days then you were quiet." he said with a crooked smile.

I tried to laugh but my throat hurt. "I can thank mom for that. What did I talk about?"

He sat down on the bed and tucked a curl behind my ear. "You're hair is a mess."

"I wonder who I get that from … oh, wait, you." I smirked. "My throat is killing me."

"Your body's repairing itself. Carlisle getting something for that." he turned my head to one side then the other. "You look better than you did when you came home."

I frowned and looked out the window. _"That'll be the only mark against me."_ I would never let myself get to the breaking point again.

"We all have broken as some point or another, Nessie." dad said as he brought my gaze back to his.

I knew he was trying to make me feel better, but his statement was wrong. "That's not true, dad. Rosalie has never screwed up."

Dad sighed. "You're right, but Your aunt has her own set of issues."

I nodded in agreement. "So, what was I talking about."

He laughed. "You talked about your mom, Prince George where you stayed and Alisha."

I looked around and noticed the pink orchids. "Who are all the flowers from?"

"There from your friends at school. We started the word around that you were home but wouldn't be back until fall. School agreed to let us bring your work home and let you finish out the year. Carlisle already signed to papers to have you start your sophomore year in the fall with Alice and I." he smiled. "The orchids are from Alisha. Rosalie was checking you email and noticed one from her. So she emailed Alisha back and told her how you were doing."

"What did Alisha have to say?" I asked.

He looked at me, his eye creased slightly. "She asked if you were alright. Did you tell her that if seemed like you disappeared into thin air that you had gone home?"

I nodded. "Yes, I did. I don't know why, but I wanted her know where I was."

"I know she's the only one that you said that too, so it's alright." he said, trying not sound like he was reprimanding me. "She asked if she could come see you over spring break. Rosalie told that it was fine."

I smiled at that. "I wonder what Alice meant by 'she had a part to play in all of this'?"

He shook his head. "I'm not sure. Alisha appears like Bella did when she was human. It looks like a hazy reflection from a dirty mirror."

"It'll be nice to see her. She's really great."

Dad smiled at my thoughts of Alisha then frowned slightly. "When did her parents die?"

I looked out the window. "Derek and Carrie died in October. They were hit head on by a drunk driver." I explained quietly. "They were in ICU for two days. Carrie passed first then about three hours later, Derek passed."

Dad watched the emotions play across my face. We both looked up as Carlisle's footfalls came up the stairs. "Come in, Carlisle."

Carlisle came in with a travel mug and handed it to me. "I thought you could use something to soothe your throat." he said as he handed me the mug.

I slowly sipped from the mug and found that my nausea had subsided.

"We had to get nourishment into your system somehow, so we would wake you up every four hours." Dad commented.

"You woke me up?" I asked as I finished the contents of the mug.

Carlisle chuckled. "Yes, we did, however it was a little difficult."

I looked at dad for details. He smiled and told me to finish my meal.

"You're keeping down two pints now. A good improvement." Carlisle announced with a smile then turned and went down stairs.

I remembered the letter I wrote and left in his car. I pulled my knees to my chest and rested my forehead on the top of my knees. I let my hair fall around my face. "I'm sorry about that." I apologized quietly.

"Love, there's nothing to be apologize for." he said as he pulled me into a hug. "I am just happy that you're home. I was so worried about you, Nessie. We all were."

We sat there for the rest of the evening talking. Jasper came up around eight o'clock with my travel mug. Dad excused himself and went to go talk to Carlisle. I finished the mug and set it on the bedside table. Jasper was about to sit down when I stopped him.

"Wait Jasper." I said as I stood up. He stood there for a moment, concern in his eyes. Then he realized what I wanted. He reached out his hand to steady me as I got up.

"I am so glad you're home, Nessie." he said as he hugged me, careful about the amount of pressure he used. "I was only trying to help ease some of your pain. I am so sorry."

I hugged him tightly. "I know, Jasper. I could deal with it little better when you were around, but when you weren't; it became too overwhelming. I knew that I need to try and get through it without the help."

He smiled and pressed a kiss to my forehead. "That's true because I may not always be close and you might not always be here with us."

A light knock on the door announced Alice as she stepped into the room. She smiled and joined in the hug. Slowly, everyone joined in the family hug. I took a deep breath, inhaling the scents of my family.

I didn't think that I would ever be happy again. I had been at the end of myself, seeing my lesser self face to face, realizing that my family was my safe harbor, my refuge and sanctuary. The monster had lost the fight and I was the victor. I was determined, so much like my dad, that it wouldn't control me again.


	4. Chapter 4

**First of all ... thank you to everyone who is reading this. I really appreciate it. Please, let me know what think of it or any suggestions.**

**Secondly, this chapter is obviously shorter that the others because, sometimes you just need those "little moments" chapters.**

**Enjoy!!**

**Again, I don't own any of them.**

* * *

RPOV~

Two weeks after I had come home, dad and I went back to the cottage. The first few nights were difficult, having to see my mom's things again. Much to dad's relief, the nightmares that had haunted me did not return. On the third night, I slept peacefully through the night as dad watched over me.

With his help, I got into a routine that I could handle. Every morning, dad and I would head to the house where I would either eat breakfast or go on a short hunting trip with Esme. Alice would gather my homework from me to turn in then Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Alice and dad would leave for school. I spent the day with Esme. Half the day, she tutored me then I would eat lunch and I would sleep for a couple of hours. After I woke up, I would help her with the various projects she had going on. Around 3:30 pm, everyone would come home.

One day, Esme found me in the kitchen looking at the family photo album. She came and silently sat down next to me. I was looking at a photograph of mom and dad from their anniversary last year.

"Sweetheart, are you okay?" she asked.

"Valentine's day is in two weeks. Dad and mom always did something special."

Esme brushed the tear that sneaked out from my cheek. "You're worried about Edward?"

I nodded. "He may not say anything, but his eyes are sad. I want to do something for him, but I don't know what."

Esme thought from a moment then smiled. "I think I have an idea." She got up and we went upstairs to Esme's study. "You said one time that you wanted to build something that would hold all of your father's books."

"You mean the study I've wanted to build for him," I replied.

Esme nodded and pulled out the blueprints for the cottage and looked at them. "I think it's time to add a new addition to the cottage, don't you?"

"I do believe it is."

She showed me how to design a room using CAD. Therefore, I designed a study to house all of dad's books, music and journals at the cottage. In addition, I thought a piano and desk would be a nice touch. The exterior and interior would match the outside and inside of the cottage with three large windows that dropped into a window seat. When we began to work on the study, dad was not allowed to venture anywhere near the cottage. It would be his Valentine's Day present.

Alice, Esme, Rosalie and I worked on the interior while Carlisle, Jasper and Emmett worked on find the piano and desk. After a few days, Carlisle found a piano dated circa 1920 and a desk dated circa 1890. I wanted them to be dated when dad was born, but having one dated around the time of his birth and one around the time of his change, would definitely work.

It was two days before Valentine's Day. Therefore, dad and I decided to hunt, having some much needed father-daughter time. It was then that he expressed his aggravation to being kept in the dark.

"Renesmee, what is going on?" Edward asked.

"Dad, can't you for once, leave it alone?" I laughed, finding it hilarious that he was getting frustrated. "Let something be a surprise for once."

Edward sighed heavilythen smiled. "You look much better than you did when you came home." He tucked a stray curl behind my ear then cradled my cheek.

"I feel better." I smiled back as we sat on a rocky outcropping. "I think sometimes, we take things for granted after a while."

"Yes, that's true and sometimes it takes tragedy to remind us not to take those things for granted."

I looked at dad. His shoulders were slumped and the corners of his mouth were turned down slightly. "Is that really what you think, that you in some way, shape or form, neglected mom and I; that you failed us somehow?" When he did not answer, I decide to use his own words against him. "You don't see yourself clearly, do you?"

He turned his head, his calm mask falling away. He quickly turned his face away as a tearless sob ripped from him "Nessie … I miss her-" the words being choked off by a tearless cry.

I had never seen my dad break down like this. It startled me for a second. Wrapping my arms around his shoulders, I did for my dad what he had done for me. At one point, he tried to push me away.

"You don't need to see me like this," he sobbed.

I would not budge from my place by his side. "I'm not going anywhere. You caught me when I fell, so now, I'll catch you." I kissed his cheek. "You have never failed nor neglected us in anyway, dad."

We stayed there until he stilled. Dad put an around me, hugging me tight. "I love you so much, Renesmee, so much." Edward caught the scent of three mountain lions. "Are you still thirsty or have you had enough?"

I took a deep breathe. "I could go for one or two more."

Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper got the piano and desk into the cottage while Esme, Rosalie, Alice and I got the books, music and journals arranged on the shelves. We were putting the final additions on the room when we heard the guys approaching the cottage. I looked around the room quickly.

"Esme, do you think he'll like it?"

She nodded then gestured for us to go outside. I looked at dad and saw that he was not happy about being blindfolded. "Emmett, you can take the blindfold off Edward," Carlisle said.

Dad blinked a few times then looked around. Realizing we were all at the cottage, he looked over at me. "Nessie, why is everyone here? I can't take the translations anymore," he asked, clearly irritated at everyone. Then he noticed it, the new addition. "Where did that come from?

"Come inside and I'll show you." Dad and I went into first then everyone followed. We stopped in front of the doors that lead to the study. "Would you please close your eyes?" Dad closed his eyes then Esme opened the door. I lead dad into the study and rested his hand on the piano. "Okay, you can open them."

He opened his eyes. Shock and surprise took over his face. He walked around looking at the two hundred years of journals that he had written in and music and books he had collected. Then he closely inspected the piano and desk. "This is a Baldwin 5'8 Model R. Louis XV, isn't it?"

I nodded. "Yes, it is. It's circa 1920," I replied then I pointed to the desk. "The desk is circa 1890." I watched as dad continued around the room.

Dad turned, looked at everyone. "You all knew about this?" Everyone nodded. "Esme, was this your idea?"

"No, Edward, this was Nessie's," she said as she gestured toward me.

I smiled. "Happy Valentine's day, dad." Dad wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. "Do you like it?"

He looked around the room then turned back to me, giving me the warmest smile. "I love it, sweetheart, very much."

"Nessie even gathered up all of your journals and put them in here," Rosalie said as she brushed the shelf next to her.

Dad looked confused for a moment. I giggled. "Everyone helped me out a lot. Grandpa, Emmett and Jasper found the piano and desk. Alice, Grandma and Rosalie helped me with the interior."

"Son, would play for us?" Carlisle asked. I was only hoping that I had it tuned right. It seemed to take forever to get it right.

Dad sat down and ran his skilled hands over the ivory keys. I saw the corner of his mouth turn up. _I knew I was going to miss something. He looked up at me. "It just needs a minute adjustment. You did a wonderful job, Nessie."_


End file.
